In Orange County, California, there is a large Asian American community. Mental health awareness and seeking help is stigmatized in the Asian culture and kept hidden. I notice a huge pattern of shame and guilt. Sometimes I wonder if the guilt and shame is from the Asian culture or from an individual’s personal experience.

There is pressure to do well in school and participate in extracurricular activities. The goal is to have a successful lucrative career. It feels like a hidden message saying that if you do not get straight A’s, you are a failure in life, or you bring shame to your family. Sometimes you can be an overachiever and perfectionist. Or feel unmotivated believing that you are not good enough.

It’s a paradoxical feeling that we should be better, but it’s not okay to gloat and be proud. It is seen as being arrogant, narcissistic, or showing off. Even when we are successful and accomplish a big goal, there is also a sense of shame and guilt to talk about your success because you don’t want to appear arrogant. Receiving compliments becomes awkward and bring up insecurities of having imposter syndrome. You try your best to be the best but once you get there you cannot “show off.” Either way, if you make great achievements or fail, there is still a sense of guilt and shame.

I wish I could provide the secret, magical answer but there isn’t one. I have heard different types of people go through shame and guilt – it’s not just Asians. Everyone has a unique personality, family history, and generational trauma. Generational trauma is pain that is transferred by multiple generations of trauma that leaves a biological and environmental imprint in how you cope and react to stressors. Try to recognize the feelings of shame and guilt. Beating yourself up internally causes more pain and feeling more stuck. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and it’s okay to celebrate your great achievements and forgive yourself for your mistakes. Everyone goes through a perfect disastrous storm to have an opportunity to grow.

Hope this blog brings some insight and normalizes the experiences you may have. If you are interested to work through your own shame and guilt, to be your true self, check out my website to learn more about Jane Pearl Lee Counseling, Anxiety therapist in Tustin, Orange County CA. I also offer a free 15-minute phone consultation. My specialties include career driven professionals, caregiver stress, Asian American psychology, anxious teens, and social anxiety.