Teens have finally returned back to in person school. After staying at home for about a year, Orange County teens are returning back to school may have been a difficult transition for your teen. You may notice more anxiety and emotions with your teens. Sometimes you may feel stuck communicating with your teen.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts when talking to your anxious teens.

There is no particular good time to talk to your teen. When you notice your teen is anxious or emotional, ask to speak to them. “Is there something you want to talk about?” Some things to say; “I notice you have been keeping to yourself. Can I help you with something?” If your teen refuses to talk, make a judgement call. It may be something important to talk about immediately. Make sure they understand that you are available for support and to talk when your teen is ready.

Sometimes it’s our own gut intuition that gives you a fix and solution to the problem. This makes it easier but sometimes they just want to be heard. These are things that they think about and it’s too much to deal with on their own. You might feel really uncomfortable or anxious to hear your teen’s struggles. Do your best to be present and listen to your teen’s concerns or worries. Maintain good eye contact and do not be distracted by anything else, especially your cell phone. Be empathetic and try your best to imagine what it feels like to be in their shoes.

What every human being wants is to be heard, seen, and acknowledged. A lot of anxious teens believe their thoughts and worries are “crazy.” When you hear what your teen is thinking about, let them know that you would think that too or that it makes sense that they sometimes think or feel that way. Try to use expressive feeling words to express how a situation or event made them feel. “Yes, I would feel sad and hurt if my friend was ignoring me.” “Gosh, it sounds like you were angry when your friend was yelling at you.”

Normalizing does not mean that it’s normal to be in difficult situations and you just need to move on or get over it. Normalizing means what you are going through is normal. Similar to validating thoughts and feelings. It means your teen’s reaction is normal. However, if it doesn’t seem normal or you are confused about the situation, ask more questions. Stay curious and become creative by asking more detailed questions using specifics.

These magical 3 words can expand a discussion and help you gain more information. It helps further and deepen the discussion so you can better understand your teen. Stay present, allow your teen to talk freely , and validate what they share. Yes, it is pretty magical. Also, you can be more specific with “tell me more” by saying. “Can you tell more about the situation in your math class?”

As hard as it is to see your teen in pain and suffering, the quick fix-it idea is very limiting. Think about this situation as a long-term solution, rather than a short term fix. Usually teens’ brains are still developing and may need more time or help with critical thinking skills, especially if they are emotional. Try to have a discussion or maybe brainstorm together to help with the solution situation. Ask questions. “What do you think happened?” “Have you thought of any ideas to deal with it?” You want your teen to be able to think, feel, and act appropriately. Also, sometimes your teens may make mistakes. It’s almost like teaching your child to ride a bike. Sometimes they might fall a few times before they are able to learn and feel confident.

A “should” statement is perceived as critical and harsh. When you say, “You should have told the teacher,” it feels very cold and provokes feelings of failure. This can bring up more self doubt, critical thinking, and cause your teen to beat themselves up for a mistake. Try asking questions. “What else could you have done?” “If you could go back to that situation, what would you have said?”

Sitting with heavy emotions and feelings can be super uncomfortable. Asking your teen to move on and get over it makes them think that their current issues aren’t important. You are minimizing the issue and likely your teen wouldn’t want to come back to you. It is also creating a situation where your teen might start bottling up their feelings or get very critical of themselves. Usually bottled up feelings have negative consequences. As easy as it is to avoid the uncomfortable situation the problem may emerge in other ways, such as teens self isolating or acting out in negative ways.

As tempting as it may be, giving an immediate solution is a quick band aid fix. It minimizes your teen’s frustration and emotions. Usually, teens want their parent to help them through the process, rather than giving them the answer. The main focus is the dialogue, not the solution. Life has its challenges and disappointments. You are helping your teen to cope with the challenges and be able to recover from the losses to move forward.

When teens hear their parents vent by getting upset or comparing their life situation by saying it is not so bad, it makes the teen feel guilty and more anxious. These moments cause teens to feel worse and not want to come to you when they really need someone to talk to. Be mindful of your tone of voice.

When your teen feels heard, they feel important, valued, and loved. This instills confidence within them which they carry into the real world. Sometimes people perceive having anxiety and depression as something bad or negative. Everyone has sad or scary moments. The important part is to be able to talk about it and not feel alone. Having that deep conversation allows space for deep healing and connection.

When your teen is able to feel their emotion and talk about where it is coming from, it allows the teen to self-regulate their emotions. Having the capability to verbalize and communicate thoughts and feelings is truly powerful. It allows teens to think for themselves and be more aware of situations. Sometimes it is okay to take a break from a heated discussion and come back to it at a later time. Usually during highly anxious and emotional moments, that is when the worst decisions are made.

Make sure you don’t solve their problem. Allow your teen to make the effort to work on their issue. There may be a time you need to step in but that is your own judgement. You know what to do to help them. The main goal is that you work as a team and your teen still respects you as a parent. Sometimes being a “friend” can make the situation awkward. You still want to be a supportive parent and there may be times you may have to say no. Your teen may get sad or angry but that is completely normal. Make sure you let your teen know you appreciate when they come to you and are honest.

Sometimes you don’t want to see your teen suffer and it is heartbreaking. But you want them to be successful in life by encouraging them to make choices and decisions on their own. There is going to be a situation where your teen failed and may feel horrible. That doesn’t mean your teen is a failure and you are a horrible parent. Life is also about losses and disappointments. The goal is to process those difficult moments as a team rather than avoiding and ignoring those moments.

I hope this has been helpful to learn some tools to help communicate with your anxious teen. If you need more support and have more questions to help your anxious teen process their emotions and build confidence, please call Jane Pearl Lee, LCSW anxiety therapist for a free 15 minute telephone consultation at (949) 771-4461. I provide online therapy sessions for individuals that live California. My office is located in Tustin, Orange County, CA. Please check out my website for anxiety treatment for teens. My specialties include career driven professionals, caregiver stress, Asian American psychology, anxious teens, and social anxiety.