Being Korean American and first-generation born in America, has its good and bad qualities.  Starting with good qualities, I got the work ethics of parents to survive in this American world. Work, work, work...I have always been motivated and pushed to work hard in my education and be successful in my career, which makes me the “model minority.”  I have a close relationship to my family and value our collectivistic mind set in being aware of each other's needs.  Also, I am able to live a life on minimal budget. I learned how to be super cheap and buy things “on sale.” To this day, I still get moments of pure joy when I buy awesome stuff at a great discounted price. 

Talking about emotional struggles and hardships was not talked about

They were quite awkward conversations.  My parents spoke mostly Korean and I spoke English. Having an honest and deep conversation with my parents rarely happened. I learned from an early age it is not okay to cry or have an angry outburst because it's just wrong or a sign of disobedience.  I learned my actions impacted the reputation of my parents and family.  I have this internal knot in my gut feeling of pressure of how I am supposed to be for my parents.

Going to school, I worked hard because my family instilled in me to be a good student. I remember I would feel worried if I didn't get a B+ or higher grade. When I was young, I remember looking different from my other classmates at an early age.  Other kids would tease me and make fun of my small eyes.  I heard the question. “Are you Chinese? Japanese?  What the heck are you?” Over and over again.  I would explain I was Korean and it's another country. I was embarrassed by my lunch because I had rice and banchan instead of a sandwich and chips. I was not able to eat kimchi for breakfast because I would have bad breath.  I also remember someone asking me what’s the difference between Asian and Korean? Or being referred to as an Oriental. Yes, my eyes would roll back many times. Sometimes I would have a fake smile and try to explain nicely what the difference is and being called oriental is offensive. On the inside I felt pain because I just wanted to fit in and not be different. 

During this coronavirus pandemic, I have been having recurring trauma and fears being stirred up.  I am getting “triggered.” 

Seeing and reading about the racism, discrimination and hate crimes towards the Asian community has been quite frightening. Maintaining physical distancing and staying home has allowed more time in self reflection. I have been thinking about those times I was bullied, made fun of, or laughed at. Those memories are coming up and realizing the reality because I look different; people are going to hate me or act violent towards me. An individual calling this pandemic a chinese virus is a form of bullying and scapegoating, which is not okay. It is hurtful and perpetuates racism.   I realized all my past pains. I mostly kept to myself. I never shared them or let my family know how hard it was for me growing up because I didn't want them to worry. So for all those years I have been keeping my worries and fears to myself.   Now sitting with all my thoughts and feelings have been challenging. But a new sense of courage is arising.

I’m recognizing I can feel my pain and talk about them.

I don’t have to be ashamed or feel guilty. I can feel sad. I can feel angry. I can feel scared. I can share my concerns with my friends and therapist.  I can talk to my parents as an equal rather than being an “obedient” daughter.  We have real conversations about what it was like for them coming to America. I greatly appreciate what they went through and grateful for my opportunities to live here. I'm learning to be aware of myself and recognizing my own needs through self compassion. I’m feeling confident and standing up for what’s right.  Speaking the truth in saying what’s wrong. I am able to be compassionate and empathetic for all humans who are having a difficult time adjusting to a pandemic. I am aware of my fears but I do not let my fears take over. 

Asian Americans are less likely to seek out therapy or help because mental health is highly stigmatized.

I would like to let the Asian American community know. It is okay to feel fearful and scared of what might come next. Racism and hate has perpetuated over many generations. It is a deeper generational virus which infects us all.  However, it is how we face it and how we treat it.  Let's talk about it fully and openly. The cure may sound simple but it's hard.  It's to imagine what it must feel like for the other person. Or imagine standing in someone else’s shoes.  What it must feel like for others to have pain and suffering.  It's called empathy. When you have true compassion, love, and respect for yourself. You can share it with everyone around you. It is not dependent on how they look because you are connecting from your own heart to the other’s heart. Instead of hiding and covering up our pains. Let's talk about them. Know you are not alone.  There are opportunities to heal and grow.  Let’s connect with each other on a deeper level. Grow self-compassion and ironically have compassion for people who hate us. As a community, we can have deeper conversations we have been ignoring.  Talking about our feelings is ok. It doesn’t mean you are defected or something is “wrong” with you.  Feelings are part of being human. And we deserve to have a break from the shame. 

If you’re interested in working through your triggers.

Call Orange County Therapist Jane Pearl Lee, LCSW, at (949)771-4461 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. Check out my Asian American Psychology page for more information

My specialties include anxious teens, social anxiety, career driven professionals, and Asian American psychology

Originally publish April 27, 2020